You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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