im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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