Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
