this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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