its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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