tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
