I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Randomize
