I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize