I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
