Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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