I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
