My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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