I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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