also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize