went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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