you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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