The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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