I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
