Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
