hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
