so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I am midnight drunk by noon
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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