I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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