im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
