So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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