Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
