You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
