So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
