I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
