my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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