ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can I color on your dick again?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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