he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
