kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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