She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
