Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
