2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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