Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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