after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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