Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
