I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
