I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
