According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
