i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
