life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
