I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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