there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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