I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
