i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
