Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
