wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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