you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
