i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
