I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
