We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize