Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There's always time for handjobs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
