I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
